Emotional Awareness or E.Q. is a life-changing skill
Riding out the waves of emotion and practicing self-awareness. A personal story.
Do emotions dictate your life? Do you manage your feelings better at work than at home, or vice versa?
Learning how to move through emotional discomfort is a skill that requires practice. Whether you’re aware or not, you may be actively engaging in emotional awareness and applying it in some but not all areas of your life. You may also be disengaged and overtly ignoring it, which can wreak havoc on your life.
The pillars of emotional intelligence, or EQ, include self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, and relationship management; daily self-assessment, reflection, and practice through real-life examples and practical exercises help to reinforce these skills.
Our emotional awareness directly influences our behavior, language (verbal and nonverbal), patterns, and performance - personal and professional.
Last week, I received a call from my twenty-four-year-old son in the middle of the afternoon. He had recently ended a ten-month relationship and was having difficulty letting go. When he called, he was in the middle of a full-on anxiety attack and was having problems managing.
We had talked earlier that day. I had suggested that a gym workout may help release some pent-up energy. However, his anxiety continued to build up while training at the gym, and he eventually had to leave to rest in his car. He tried to practice mindful breathing exercises to ground himself, but it wasn’t working.
I had offered to drive and pick him up, but he declined. He wanted to drive to my home instead, to come home rather than go back to his house. I agreed, but only if he felt safe to do so.
I have to say, this was the longest twenty-minute wait. I was upset, worried, and a tad angry (not with him). I wanted to fix it all and take away his pain, but it wasn’t my job to fix it; it was his. I was responsible for showing up for him in the way he needed.
When I heard his car’s security alarm beep, I opened the door to meet him. His eyes were red, tears streaming down his face. It broke my heart. I wrapped my arms around his six-foot-four frame and felt his body let go into my arms. I held him briefly until he let go and then led him into the living room to sit down.
We talked for a long time. I did my best to listen, empathize, and actively comfort him. I reassured and guided where I could. I recognized when I needed to pull back and continue to listen. I honestly had to check myself as he shared some of the situations he’d been through. Some of my emotions played out like a tennis match, bouncing between anger, fear, and sadness. I consciously used breathing to diffuse them because I knew he didn’t need my opinion; he needed my attention and to listen, and that was all I needed to do.
He continued to talk for a while, which helped to ground his emotions. Letting go with tears helped, too. I asked if he was using other helpful tools or resources to manage and cope. He shared a few examples that may help, but most importantly, he booked a consultation with a psychologist to help him through this time and others that come along over time.
He also admitted that he needed to work on himself in various ways. “I don’t want to look weak. I want to be better, Mom.” I paused for a millisecond. His words took me back, but I was honored that he shared them with me. I encouraged him to be honest and vulnerable rather than push through it all and sacrifice his health. I told him this was a sign of strength and courage, not weakness. He acknowledged this and understood he needed help to work on his confidence and feel better about himself.
Eventually, things settled, and I asked if he wanted pizza. He smiled and replied with a half-smile, “Yes, please. Thanks, Mom.” He quickly followed that up with, “Do you want to watch a movie too?” to which I gladly said, “Yes, please! And Jack, I got you, you know.” He smiled again, “I know, Mom.” (I may be tearing up here. It’s still tough not to want to fix and take it away. Life can be tricky sometimes, but we move through the tough stuff together. “It takes a community to raise an adult.”)
We continue to stay in touch, checking in with random texts or a phone call to maintain contact and stay connected, to say “hi” and ask about the gym or his golf game. I also recognize I need to give him space to figure it out. I keep saying, “You know where I am at any time.” He always thanks me for that.
He has since been over for dinner. We didn’t talk about it. Our conversations moved around the table, and we shared stories. We were honest and vulnerable about a few things and had some good belly laughs too.
I think we massively undervalue the impact of just being there and actively listening without the need to respond. And I recognize that our response requires constant awareness and care. It should… As I like to say, “Awareness precedes change.”
“Awareness precedes choice, and choice precedes results.” Robin S. Sharma
Self-awareness is critical to understanding ourselves, our strengths, limitations, beliefs, and motivators.
When we consciously choose how to respond and diffuse a strong emotion that can overtake us, we can focus on what truly matters. Getting to the root of the problem and its cause can help lift the underlying motivators, behaviors, and patterns.
Avoidance delays the problem but not the pain. Yes, it takes work, but it’s worth it in spades.
Even learning and working at the craft of writing isn’t easy. Resistance seems to manifest in various ways, such as procrastination, fear of failure, or rejection, but as Steven Pressfield states in his book The War of Art (a kick in the @#$% book), “To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit.” Repeat that a few times.
Which leads me to this…
Awareness takes practice, just like anything. We can strengthen this skill in the home, in the workplace, or in communities that are led by proper leadership. Does that start with ourselves first? Leading the right way with ourselves first. Doesn’t that empower others?
How Can You Embrace Emotional Awareness? (Practical exercise)
Feel it, Ground it, Change it.
Here are SIX steps to help support your emotional awareness and self-regulation.
1. Pause to take a few deep breaths.
2. Step back and check yourself.
3. Choose to demonstrate calmness.
4. Show Compassion and Empathy.
5. Reflect on your experience (Seek out role models for support)
6. Resolve to make it right. (I added this at the last minute.)
Try to figure out how to be your best self after being your not-so-great self.
Emotional understanding requires you to be resourceful, source out all your intelligence, and investigate its root cause to the best of your ability.
This helps dissolve the discomfort of the emotion. This is, by far, THE definition of emotional intelligence.
And by the way, you’re human; sometimes you’ll “lose it” and make mistakes. But when the heat of the moment is over, what matters is that you resolve to make it right. It’s a win-win resolution. Conflicts are golden opportunities to repair, rebuild, and strengthen relationships. They help build trust.
Daniel Goleman, who wrote the groundbreaking book on Emotional Intelligence, stated,
“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”
Learning to diffuse various emotionally charged situations requires different courses of action, especially over text, email, phone/video call, in person, or a group setting.
How can you diffuse emotionally charged situations?
“Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy.” – Aristotle.
Active listening, emotional mirroring, and validation improve relationships, especially when someone needs to feel heard and understood.
Diffusing emotionally charged situations with strong emotions such as fear, anger, or sadness isn’t easy. Please note that ‘the amygdala hack’ happens when strong emotions hijack our rational brain, sending us into the physiological state called ‘fight-flight mode.’ It takes about five minutes to diffuse the emotion(s).
Follow the next four steps to embrace and diffuse the emotions.
1) Identify the emotional state – Fear, anger, or sadness?
2) Emotionally mirror by simply stating how you think the person is feeling.
3) Ask if you are right. If it’s not right, ask for clarification.
4) Validate how the person is feeling and show empathy.
Then, decide if it’s time to refocus the conversation and end on a positive note. Take a moment after the fact to reflect on the experience. Journaling or making a note somewhere like Voice Note, Evernote, or Obsidian is a great way to reflect and improve your response and timing during difficult situations. Ask for feedback from a friend, family member, or mentor. One that offers helpful and positive feedback. Prepared example statements are beneficial to have on hand for future situations.
Emotional awareness, or EQ, is a critical skill that impacts every aspect of our lives, from personal relationships to the professional and communities we seek out. It thrives when we embrace challenges, pause for understanding, seek feedback, and cultivate relationships that support our growth. With time, intention, and a curious perspective, we can put ourselves in situations where we take opportunities to learn, adapt, and grow—acting as a guiding post for others.
In fact, emotional intelligence is the difference that will make the difference.
I found Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves' book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 helpful during a difficult time in 2014. It continues to inspire me, as do others I find over time.
I’d like to leave you with this quote I found by Kathleen Spike,
“There are certain emotions that will kill your drive; frustration and confusion. You can change these to a positive force. Frustration means you are on the verge of a breakthrough. Confusion can mean you are about to learn something. Expect the breakthrough and expect to learn.”
Self-awareness inquiry: Here are a few exercises I use from time to time and have been offering to friends, family, and clients.
How often do you think about your emotional awareness each week?
Can you identify triggers, patterns, and emotional responses?
Do you reflect on past experiences? Do you actively work on improving how you manage and diffuse emotionally charged situations?
Do you ask for feedback? Are you open to feedback?
Do you take classes, read books, seek guidance, or learn new approaches?
Are you able to apologize when you’ve made a mistake?
This is what you can expect from me! A long-form article related to a reflection or life lesson on personal growth or one thing that has inspired me. If you like this, don’t keep it to yourself; share it with your friends: